Monday, October 12, 2020

I Used to Hate This Month

Long-lived moments ...
The moon is full, and September is middle-aged.
A year ago the war ended.
I wasn't even aware that it had
until just last month.
That added immensely to the victory,
and I celebrated, and do still today,
and will forever amidst the newfound peace.

I used to hate this month.
But then, I used to live in Colorado.
There the friends were false and the family illusory.
As the days gave way to longer nights,
I struggled to keep my head above dark waters.
I went to therapy,
but he had no ethical bearing of any kind
(despite claiming so many times),
and I suffered more.

I used to hate this month,
because I had to return to a job I hated,
and colleagues I hated,
and a system I hated.
There were no windows in that school,
and so I couldn't see the sun,
not even once,
not till late spring the following year.

I used to hate this month,
three-quarters through the year,
yet another one where I hadn't found the courage
to be who I truly was,
to do the work I was meant to do,
thereby finding the joy I was meant to experience.
The clock ticked much louder every September,
as though warning me.
Each word ticked with dire regularity: You're getting older.
You're getting older--and more cowardly.
You're getting older--and more brittle and bitter.
You're getting older--and no one cares.
Not even a little.
So why do you keep lavishing love and affection
on them like they do?

So here it is, September again.
It's the month the war was won, and the monster breathed his last.
It's the month, nearly sixteen years ago, that I made The Decision
(one I would wait till my birthday four months later to act upon)
and stepped onto the Infinite Pier.
I haven't stepped off of it once since.

September is the month that the sun sets exactly on that Pier.
It's the month that pushes tired summer out of the way.
It's the month that I can breathe more deeply.

I used to hate this month.
Now it is, and probably always will be hereforward,
one of my very favorites.

Crescent City, California, Lighthouse