Having raided the impossible-to-raid Harshtree Prison and freed Fezzik, the intrepid pirates of the Revenge escape into the night, their legend even greater. Captain Montoya promised them that when Fezzik was safely aboard ship, that they all would learn to swim. It wasn't acceptable that half of them, including the captain himself, didn't know! They just need to escape the Florin navy, hot on their heels, and find a friendly, hidden cove somewhere so that the captain can begin lessons. Read on!
Adventure Two: Swimming and Fighting
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1.
Paisley
~~*~~
We sailed that
night out of Taurdust and into history. No one had ever broken out of Harshtree. We not only broke out that hell-hole, but willingly broke into it too.
Word of our
exploits got around quickly. The new Florin
monarchy, in many ways just as corrupt and evil as the old one, posted fliers
in every village: a hundred gold coins for any crewmember of the Revenge, dead or alive, and a thousand for
our captain: Inigo Montoya, the Dread Pirate Roberts. The poster featured his
likeness, bandana wrapped around his head, his face clean-shaven, as he was the
night we broke Fezzik out. At the bottom was a warning:
ANYONE CAUGHT HARBORING, AIDING,
OR ABETTING THESE PIRATES WILL BE
SUMMARILY HUNG IN THEFLORIN PUBLIC
SQUARE
OR ABETTING THESE PIRATES WILL BE
SUMMARILY HUNG IN THE
The Revenge is the fastest ship on the Seven
Seas, and we proved it the two days following. I was as impressed with the crew
then as I was with their performance the night we broke Fezzik out. It was a
very tense time.
The Florin navy was sent to find us and take us “dead or
alive,” so we sailed for Guilder at full speed. Florin
frigates tried to catch us in the border waters between the two lands, but
turned away when the Guilderians fired on them.
The Guilderians,
bless them, let us pass.
We crossed into
their waters, hugging their rugged coastline. We passed the Cliffs of Insanity
and marveled that Fezzik had actually pulled himself, the princess, Vizzini,
and the captain up them. Once back out in open ocean and no one on our tail, we
allowed ourselves to relax a little. The captain had ordered the Revenge to “warm turquoise waters,” and
so after some deliberation I decided on Bavus-Naguty, a small, friendly kingdom
on the southern coast of Portugal .
The trip would take us twelve days of full sails.
Speaking of Fezzik,
we all chipped in to help him adapt to life on a pirate ship. With some work we
fashioned for him an enormous and sturdy canvas bunk at the head of the crew
quarters next to the stairs leading up to the topdeck. We fed him (which
required several stops along the way to replenish our food stores) and brought
him slowly back to health. As he came around, he, like his best friend, wanted
to learn how to work a tall ship, so we showed him. It became clear immediately
that the extra food he required was more than worth it, as he could do the work
of fifteen men. He worked tirelessly and was always of good cheer, and the crew
quickly took to him.
Rye Morgny proved
to be far less trouble than I thought he’d be. He had never been on a seagoing
vessel before, and so, like the captain had, he initially suffered acute seasickness.
Like the captain, yquaberry lozenges brought him around. He struggled to gain
his sea legs, and he suffered from homesickness. I took a personal interest in
him and got him working with the crew. Hard work, I learned long ago from
personal experience, is a wonderful palliative for homesickness. And so I
worked young Rye Morgny; I worked him very hard. Five days out we pulled into
the port village of Achiad ; it was there we paid the local courier a
little extra to deliver mail back to Florin .
Many of the crew, like Rye Morgny, had loved ones back home. I believe it did
our youngest member of the Revenge
good to see that many if not most of them were homesick too, that they weren’t
so hardened to pirating that their hearts didn’t ache from time to time as
well.
I helped him
compose a letter to his father and two sisters (he only knew the very
rudimentaries of writing), reminding him often that we were fugitives and that,
in order to protect himself and them, he’d have to come up with a pseudonym or
alias, and not mention that he was
now a crewmember of the Revenge. After
some thought, we decided his alias should be “Toast,” as in rye toast, one of
my favorite breads. “Toast” worried that it would only confuse his family; I
told him that would be better than them suffering in one of Florin ’s
many torture chambers, including the Pit of Despair, which, I was certain,
Dynatis Rugen had kept open. He agreed.
Achiad is home to a
clothier named Boris Couz, whom Captain Cummerbund, then only a First Mate, had
freed from a slaver making its way back to Florin .
(Truly, the Florin monarchy has always been
vile.) Couz was a great talent, and had fashioned himself a name over the many
years since. His shop, near the top of one of Achiad’s many rocky hills, was
small and tucked away along a pleasant, winding, vine-covered walkway. With
Crissah leading the way, we entered.
It was lighted by
several lamps and a smattering of candles. Boris Couz emerged from a back room,
a great smile peeking from under his bushy brown moustache. He was at least
seventy, but looked twenty years younger. He glanced around, puzzled, at the
small crowd (there were seven of us, including the captain), then spied me. His
smile exploded out of hiding.
“Duncan Paloni!” he
shouted. His Portugese accent, mixed with the flavors of at least four other nearby
lands, was just manageable. He lumbered from behind the counter, throwing it open
and wrapping his huge arms around me. His big barrel chest pressed into mine.
“I was just thinking of you not two days ago! What has brought you to Achiad?”
He pulled back and looked at the crew. “Revenge?
All of you?”
Captain Montoya
came forward and extended his hand. “Inigo Montoya,” he said.
“The captain,” I hastily
added.
Boris Couz stepped
away from me and took the captain’s hand and shook it vigorously. “Well now!”
he said. “This is a first! Never has my humble shop been graced with the
presence of the captain of the greatest ship on the high seas! My!” With the
captain’s hand still in his grip, he looked him over. “Though I must say, sir,
that you don’t look the part! No disrespect intended, please!”
“Which is why we’re
here,” said Crissah, who came to the fore. The captain didn’t look offended,
but was smiling slightly, as though he had already decided that he liked Boris
Couz. Crissah extended her hand, and Boris released the captain’s to raise hers
to his lips.
“I do love moving
forward with the times,” he sighed. He released her hand and said, “Women—pirates?” He glanced at Hindy, who had
come along, and Olive too. “Can it be true?”
“It can,” said Hindy.
Boris came around to her, kissed her hand, and then did the same to Olive’s.
Rounding out the group was Rye
and Dauchkin, whom Boris spied after reluctantly looking away from the women.
“Dauchkin!” he
yelled, and barreled into him. The men shook hands and then hugged.
“How is it you are
still alive and kicking?” cried Boris.
“I’m jus’ a tough
ol’ seabird,” said Dauchkin with a broad toothy grin.
“Captain,” said
Boris, “I would like to tell you that this man saved my life long ago, and that
if he represents the general character of your crew, then, sir, you have a
grand crew indeed!”
The captain smiled
and nodded. “He has been most helpful showing me the workings of the Revenge, sir.”
“No, no—just Boris,
please, Captain. Just Boris.” He studied the captain. “You are new to the job?”
“I am.”
“That explains it
then,” said Boris, looking him over once again with a critical eye. “Do forgive
me, Captain, but you are dressed as a peasant, and that will simply not do!”
Captain Montoya
looked down on his person. “These clothes are all I own.”
“Until now,” said
Hindy. “The crew believes the captain of the Revenge should look the part. Our recent good fortune brought us to
think of you. And since we were sailing through …”
“Oh, this sounds quite exciting!” beamed Boris, twisting
his moustache. “May I be so bold as to presume your good fortune is about to
become mine as well?”
“Indeed, yes,” said
Captain Montoya.
“All of you?” he said very hopefully.
“The entire crew,”
I said. “They’ll all be stopping in as their duties allow.” I stepped back and
clapped a hand on young Rye Morgny’s shoulder. “This rookie needs your particular
attention.”
Boris brought his
gaze to him and approached. “Rookie, eh?” he asked while sizing Rye up.
“Very,” said
everyone.
“Everyone starts
somewhere!” declared Boris as he took Rye Morgny’s hand, which was hanging
limply by his side. The boy seemed utterly out of his element; still, he
managed a strained smile.
“You are among
friends,” Boris assured him. “The Revenge
has given the world the finest souls I have ever had the privilege of knowing. No
one will teach you how to be a man better than these. Come! Come! It appears
that I have much work ahead of me today! Joy O joy! Come! Come!”
It was quite a sight seeing the captain a week later. As had
become his custom, he was awake well before the day crew, and greeted us as we
made our way on deck.
He looked … well,
picture a Spanish conquistador who had thrown out the king’s colors and chosen
the life of a proud scalawag. A magnificent rogue. A dashing rascal.
He wore burgundy
trimmed in black and dark pants tucked into new, shiny boots. The ensemble came
with a suede-leather hat with feather and a short gold-lined cape, but those
were nowhere to be found. In all respects, he looked quite captainly—and handsome.
His moustache, which was still growing back, reminded me of our first adventure
together, one that had already made his legendary name even more so. He looked
at us as we saluted and said, “Pirates. Not
peasants. Those of you with new wardrobes look splendid this morning.”
“As do you,
Captain,” said Emeri admiringly.
The women were a
sight. Boris had outfitted them beautifully. Instead of trying to make them
look like men, he kept the feminine in the details while conveying both a dangerous
femme fatale look with one that let everyone know that these women were the
equals of everyone around them. Our new duds were designed with work in mind
(sailing a tall ship is work—hard work); we paid for multiple outfits for
multiple occasions, from scrubbing the deck to crashing a royal ball. Boris
hired extra help in the nine days it took him to outfit us; and when we sailed
out of Achiad, he was a much wealthier man.
“It cannot be years
again,” he sighed as we parted. “Please tell me it won’t be years!”
The captain took
his big hand in both of his. “By my word, it won’t be.”
It was still at
least a week yet to Bavus-Naguty. We had calm seas and a steady breeze, and
weren’t harassed by the various navies of the various kingdoms we sailed by,
who saw our colors and largely left us alone.
On the second
morning out, anchored over a shallow reef, Captain Montoya greeted us in the
mess and said, “Good morning. I have some news for all of you.”
He reached into a
big box he’d brought in with him and opened it and pulled out and dumped on the
table—
—paisley … underwear?
We stared. No one
spoke.
“Boris made them
for us,” he said.
Still, no one
spoke.
He glanced around
at us, irritated.
Everyone looked
round to me, so I spoke. “I’m sorry, sir,” I said. “What … are these?”
The crews’ gaze
shifted back to him. The girls in particular looked shocked. Their gazes were
of concern: Had the captain just revealed a kink in his personality that should
best be left to himself?
He gazed around at everybody.
“These are swimming suits! Swimwear! Boris made them, a pair for each of us! He
used the measurements he’d gotten from us and fashioned these by my request!
They’re made of a special material that stays lightweight in water and dries very
quickly under the sun! I paid for them myself.”
Emeri reached for a
pair of trunks and lifted them, gawking. They were obviously fashioned for a
man, with a button fly.
“Those are mine,”
said the captain with a completely straight face. He grabbed them from her and
held them up. “They hold to your body,” he explained. “The waist stretches but
does not lose its form! Look!” He pulled the waist wide and released it. The
suit snapped instantly back into shape.
We were speechless.
Emeri reached for
another pair of bottoms. These weren’t squarish, as the captain’s were, but cut
with a higher, curvier leg.
“Those are probably
yours,” said the captain. “Everyone’s names are stitched in small print to the
backs of the bottoms, or to the brassieres. Go on, check!”
This she did.
“Are they?” he
asked. “Are those yours?”
She nodded
vacantly. She lifted another pair, these big enough to double as a circus tent.
Fezzik’s.
The giant stared.
He was standing in the back. He gave a chuckle, one I could feel in the wood of
the kitchen table. He didn’t appear scandalized, as we all did, but deeply
amused. He grinned at the captain as though knowing that he might go off the
rails every now and again, as he appeared to be doing now.
(Boris made most of
his money outfitting Fezzik, it must be said here.)
Captain Montoya
finally caught up to the general mood of embarrassed shock that held everyone but
Fezzik’s tongue, because he slammed his fist down on the table, snapping us all
out of it.
“Get over
yourselves!” he yelled. “I told everybody that we’re going to learn to swim,
and by Poseidon’s farts, that’s exactly what we’re going to do! No seagoing
vessel should have a crew the half of which would drown if thrown overboard!
We’re going to learn to swim, and that’s the end of it!”
Hindy held up a
hand. “Sir?”
He brought his determined
gaze to her.
“Will you try your
suit on so we can see what it looks like?”
It was obvious that
she was trying to contain her laughter.
He caught on right
away, and I regretted that she spoke at all, because he gave her an evil grin with
a wink. “I would love to. That’s what we are all going to do right now: we will
all try on our swimwear and show ourselves on the deck, under the sight of God
Himself. All of us. Together. If you want to laugh or be embarrassed, you can
do it in the presence of Him and your crewmates! Now get your swimwear and change
and go to the deck. You have ten minutes! Anyone not showing themselves in that
time will call Achiad their new port o’ call! I will dump you there!”
We all looked at
each other, and then, with his help, silently rifled through the pile of paisley
material to find our swimsuits. Soon the crew mess was empty save for, surely, the
thick air of shock which must have lingered behind.
What can I say about the hour that followed? Stripped of our
clothes and wearing these tight-fitting swimming suits (of which, thankfully,
came in varying colors), we tip-toed onto the deck, arms wrapped around
ourselves, where the captain, in his swimming suit, boldly waited. Soon the entire
crew was standing there and doing our best not to look at each other (and failing
miserably), as though to protect ourselves from the dark clouds of
embarrassment threatening to unleash themselves on our heads.
The captain stood
without shame. He was trimly built, with a strong hairy chest and muscular
legs.
The girls, I must
admit, looked, well … quite good. Their suits, comprised of a brassiere and
bottoms, covered significantly less than ladies’ undergarments of the time, and
the male crew had a difficult time not ogling them. The girls noticed. Hindy
waved a warning finger and said, “Look, boys, but if you touch you’ll lose the
offending hand.” The other girls nodded angrily in agreement.
To their credit,
the male crew kept any crude comments they might’ve been tempted to make to
themselves.
Fezzik. How can I
describe what he looked like? A mountain of flesh covered partially in paisley?
The great hair of his chest poofed out like Harshtree Forest
Dauchkin was the
last to get to deck. He clearly seemed the most embarrassed of us all. Crissah
went to him and took his arm and led him to the group, saying, “Now here is the
finest of you lot!”
He had a bit of a
poochy tummy, but his arms and chest were still strong and shaped like old
granite, his legs too.
Captain Montoya
approached him. “Do you know how to swim, Dauchkin?”
The old dog shook
his head.
“If you fall
overboard, you will die,” said the captain very gravely. “You’ll panic and
drown before we can get anything out to you or turn the Revenge about.” He came in closer to him. “And I could not live
with myself if that happened. You are loyal and hardworking and irreplaceable.
As are you all!” he yelled, looking around at us one by one. “I will not lose any of you to the sea!
“So you’re
embarrassed being dressed so scantily. What is embarrassment next to death by
drowning? Deal with it, say I! Now go and change back into your clothes and
let’s set sail!”
We didn’t cheer;
instead we meekly scampered off deck, somewhat ashamed at ourselves for being
so precious and modest.
I found myself over the week following unable to get
Crissah’s swimwear-clad body out of my head. I mean, she looked very alluring
dressed as a “carrot” as we made our assault on Harshtree; and I did avail
myself of the occasional surreptitious glance, that’s true enough. But now I
felt somewhat consumed by her body … the way her bottoms complimented her hips
and backside; her long legs and youthful curves and flawless cream-colored skin.
I wasn’t the only
man so affected. I noticed a lot of distracted blinking from all the male crew
as we sailed into warmer seas. I kept a tight lid on it; so did Marcell. We
made it clear that friendly banter was tolerated, but crude comments were not.
To let them know we were serious we worked several offenders to the bone,
giving them fifteen-hour shifts. The comments ceased.
The one I was most
worried about, though, was Rye .
He’d seen Hindy, Crissah, Olive, Emeri, Stacie, and Lilianna in what amounted
to less than their underwear, and since that day stumbled around in a lust-filled
teenaged haze. I thought he might tip himself overboard on several occasions as
he watched one of them pass, and that wouldn’t do at all, so I jumped loudly on
his case and put him to work with the real offenders, telling him that if he
couldn’t keep the blood in his big head, that his small one would get all of us
killed. He worked hard, but the vacant, mouth-hanging-open countenance hung on.
After another day it started fading a little, which was good enough for me—for
the time being.
Eight days later we
crossed into Bavus-Naguty waters. A pleasant breeze urged us on. We sailed
close to shore, looking for a quiet place to drop anchor. We found it two days
later: a small, hidden cove surrounded by high white chalk cliffs. We sailed
into it and celebrated, for we were now floating peacefully on warm turquoise
waters. We set up camp on shore, and that’s when, after several raucous rounds
of rum, the captain proclaimed that swimming lessons would commence the
following morning.
Chapter Two
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